process

we learn the feeling of home and comfort early on, and later in life unconsciously search for that familiarity.
those feelings often can trace back to a certain object interaction, or a memory.

we also remember things sewing them through our own perception, that s why often we can interpret memories, for example sugar coat them.

perhaps i want to create a collection of objects and stories that they carry, tell their story, their precious memories, some sweet, some sad
fragments of home…

is nostalgia comforting? do i need it to be comforting?
what kind of question am i trying to answer?
how would i write about these feelings

recreate the wall (моя знаменитая фреска)
but this time write things that are good, support yourself and recognise your journey.
take things from the past and make them better now.

make rug.
what kind of story would it tell?
it a rug as an attribute of a cosy home but also maybe it's about me and my sister, about her floor being blue, about me always wanting to reach her.

kitchen table,
research if it is a chilling space culturally, what is the significance of it? how would i build it, what is important to include?
tea for sure.

the music box.
where should it be placed?
also talk to brigitte about how you would make it.
record the song, huh.

a song.
a song to sooth your heart and make you feel at home. sonic piece manifestion full acceptance and embrace of self.

Materialism is a form of philosophical monism
that holds that matter is the fundamental substance in nature, and that all things,
including mental states and consciousness,
are results of material interactions.

According to philosophical materialism, mind and consciousness are by-products or epiphenomena of material processes
(such as the biochemistry of the human brain
and nervous system),
without which they cannot exist.

What do I want with materialism?
I really relate to the idea that we make meaningful connections with objects in our life. I always attach a lot of sentiment to certain things around me.

I think that by attaching to objects we somehow attach a part of ourselves, our lives to it. It becomes a holder of a moment, a memory or a certain period in time. Maybe we go through life leaving all this hints and pieces of how and what we are.

I would like to find those stories retell them from my new perspective as an expat and a creature, trying to find her place in the world.

To me, difficult heritage means experiencing negative effects of ones background.
Such effects include, but are not limited to, shame, grief and anger.

These feelings are a staple in my emotional landscape, and only starting work on this project I was able to trace them back to my background.

My background is Russia, and while I am exploring my reasons for these negative emotions in my fictional writing piece I want to provide some articles for anyone who would like to get a full answer to the question,

"Why are you ashamed of Russia?"

My project has gone in a different direction.
The question was adjusted due to an unachievable goal I set with it at first.

The initial question was 'To what extent can fictional narrative and the idea of materialism be used to deal with alienation and shame caused by difficult heritage.' This question points out a ned to deal with the issue and somehow solve it, thus is unachievable for me right now. Such a deep personal problem can be solved by time and therapy and not necessarily with a minor project.

However, a thing I can do now is share this feeling, share my shame and change the way I look at it a bit. I am also turning away from materialism for a while, as it doesn't feed my projects with any fruitful insights at the moment. I'd like to concentrate on the media I've used for the first publication and the fictional narrative that I will explore further in my research.

With my new question 'How can fictional narrative through audiovisual media be used to translate feelings of shame and alienation caused by difficult heritage to overcode its meaning?' I will be able to extract meaning and give shape to these difficult feelings, which can prove to be quite therapeutic.

I felt very lost and confused and put a lot of hope on the interviews with my family. By the time i could arrange that I began to feel very useless and unprepared to talk to them about that. I kept thinking that something incredible and groundbreaking has to come out of our conversation, that expectation didn't allow me to see things clear.

In the end the person to solve it for me, as per most usual was my sweet sister. She hold an ability to see things I can't see once I dig to deep into my own worries and thoughts. I am forever thankful for the inspiration she is to me daily.